About 2 or 3 months ago I opened a tab to start writing a new piece, I titled it “Unchained” and sat staring at it for over an hour before I eventually decided that I had nothing relative to say and closed it. Since last night there has been an overwhelming urge to write something and this morning I opened my blog to start planning, I noticed that there was a saved draft and felt a bit overwhelmed and touched that the Unchained title was still there, saved with no content. It is the most suitable title to reflect where I am at right now with my life. A few big things have happened since my last blog, traumatic and heart shattering. But I dont really want to focus on that right now. I feel that more importantly I need to talk about the decision that I made to survive and get back to my core values.
God works in seriously mysterious ways but at the same time they can be so obvious when you get to look back on everything that has happened. About a week after returning to Gauteng, I decided to go to church on Mothersday. It was the first time in a couple of years and you would be surprised (or maybe you wont, because you might still be doing it) at all the good reasons you have for not going. I spent the entire service torn up and crying. Feeling an overwhelming sense of shame, conviction and at the same time love and forgiveness. God was starting with a clean up inside of my heart and soul. I can tell you now, it was long overdue. I sat in that sevice not even really feeling relevant to what the sermon was about because it was as if God just wanted me in there on this specific day. I felt unworthy of my children because of the neglect that I had put them through and at the same time lifted because of His mercy and grace. Even though I am not enough on my own, He is enough and living inside of me. I made a decision in the service that I would change everything about myself. I would claim back every single piece of my heart that I so carelessly gave away. So long I had been fixated on being accepted and loved by another man that I didnt once stop to realize that my Heavenly Father was already here and available fore exactly that. Yes it is extremely hard to raise two toddlers on my own and YES I long for companionship, but God has bigger plans than the here and now and I know that one day He will answer that need, but I have to be ready. For now I have a different path to walk, and I might have to do it alone for a while. I find strength in the fact that for the first time in my life He has lifted the desperation I feel in my heart for a companion and placed it upon Himself. The chains have been broken and I have finally experienced His love on a whole new level.
During this time my eyes have opened to so many things I had been doing wrong as a parent and God has helped me focus on the truly important aspects of my life right now. I was always so hung up on what the purpose of my life was and I’ve never had direction because of this. For once I know that right now He doesn’t need me to conquer the world, but just to focus on my relationship with God and my duties I have as a mother. Which is after all the biggest priviledge I could ever have.
I am so grateful for my family and for the unwavering support they have all shown during this time. Thank you guys so much for loving me even when I mess up and fall..